I have been watching these burglar alarm commercials for some time now with a jaundiced eye, seeing an obvious trend – bad men attempting to break down the doors of helpless good women. I have yet to see one where a bad man breaks in on a helpless good man and the good man yells like a big sissy and answers the phone, “he’s breaking in…oh my God…please help me!”
Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. This was a new commercial; the story of a young woman coming home after a date. On her front porch, she politely refuses any advances and informs the suitor that she has just come out of a “really bad relationship”. As soon as the suitor’s car makes it out of the parking place, another man kicks in the door. Alarms go off and the phone rings, “It’s my ex-boyfriend!” she exclaims to the caller from the alarm company.
I understand that there are statistical differences in male verses female where crime is concerned, but I’ve been in enough relationships to know that the above scenario is definitely a two-way street. Women are just far more creative than simply kicking in a door. I would have liked to have seen this burglar alarm company use this opportunity to offer a gender role reversal. I could have written the script as it went exactly like this:
A few years ago, I was on a third date with a really interesting and intelligent woman named Sarah. We were to watch a movie at my house after going out to dinner. I really liked Sarah, but knowing I was only about a month out of a relationship, I didn’t trust myself to make an emotional investment beyond my abilities to make the required deposits.
About an hour into the movie, we heard a knock at the door. As I opened the door, I realized it was my ex-girlfriend. I politely told her that this was not a good time and to please leave. “Looks like it’s a good time for you!” she yelled. “When do I get my good time?!” she continued, “I gave you over a year, where is my good time?!” I said nothing and closed the door. After about a minute of silence, I hear my ex-girlfriend singing “Good Times” very loudly in the front yard while throwing potted plants, and anything else she could get her hands on, through the front windows.
I called 911 and attempted to calmly state my issues. The woman on the other end asked me if I had been drinking and then wanted to know who was singing in the background. When I informed her that it was the perpetrator singing “Good Times” she responds with, “you mean from the television show?” “Yes!” I replied, “But that really isn’t the point!” I continued. “You need to calm down sir!” she replied. “I am trying to understand your domestic issues.” “Domestic?!” I sort of yelled, “I have a crazy person in the front yard!” “Police are on their way.” She snorted.
Things started to quiet down outside and Sarah and I were both relieved to hear the car startup and exit the front driveway. We were unaware that my ex-girlfriend was simply driving her vehicle down the side of the house until we heard her crash through one of the garage doors downstairs. With her car still audibly running in the garage, we heard continued singing of “Temporary layoffs. Good Times.” getting closer to the door at the bottom of the stairs.
As we stood at the top of the enclosed steps going down to the finished basement I suggested to Sarah that we should just make a run for it out the front door. As I pondered and persuaded our fight or flight strategy, Sarah had already grabbed the fire extinguisher from the kitchen wall and stood next to me like Rambo -- aiming the nozzle of the extinguisher down the stairs. As my ex-girlfriend came through the downstairs door, still singing, “Ain't we lucky we got 'em” Sarah fires a beam of white smoke and yells, “DYNOMITE!!!”. This continued in several more iterations until I heard the police yell through the broken front door window, “Can we enter the home?!” “Hell yes!” I retorted.
After the police and tow truck left, Sarah and I just sat on the sofa not saying a word. She reached down and hit the play button on the DVD remote and we sat speechless, watching the end of “Love Actually”. It was actually a really good movie.
Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. This was a new commercial; the story of a young woman coming home after a date. On her front porch, she politely refuses any advances and informs the suitor that she has just come out of a “really bad relationship”. As soon as the suitor’s car makes it out of the parking place, another man kicks in the door. Alarms go off and the phone rings, “It’s my ex-boyfriend!” she exclaims to the caller from the alarm company.
I understand that there are statistical differences in male verses female where crime is concerned, but I’ve been in enough relationships to know that the above scenario is definitely a two-way street. Women are just far more creative than simply kicking in a door. I would have liked to have seen this burglar alarm company use this opportunity to offer a gender role reversal. I could have written the script as it went exactly like this:
A few years ago, I was on a third date with a really interesting and intelligent woman named Sarah. We were to watch a movie at my house after going out to dinner. I really liked Sarah, but knowing I was only about a month out of a relationship, I didn’t trust myself to make an emotional investment beyond my abilities to make the required deposits.
About an hour into the movie, we heard a knock at the door. As I opened the door, I realized it was my ex-girlfriend. I politely told her that this was not a good time and to please leave. “Looks like it’s a good time for you!” she yelled. “When do I get my good time?!” she continued, “I gave you over a year, where is my good time?!” I said nothing and closed the door. After about a minute of silence, I hear my ex-girlfriend singing “Good Times” very loudly in the front yard while throwing potted plants, and anything else she could get her hands on, through the front windows.
I called 911 and attempted to calmly state my issues. The woman on the other end asked me if I had been drinking and then wanted to know who was singing in the background. When I informed her that it was the perpetrator singing “Good Times” she responds with, “you mean from the television show?” “Yes!” I replied, “But that really isn’t the point!” I continued. “You need to calm down sir!” she replied. “I am trying to understand your domestic issues.” “Domestic?!” I sort of yelled, “I have a crazy person in the front yard!” “Police are on their way.” She snorted.
Things started to quiet down outside and Sarah and I were both relieved to hear the car startup and exit the front driveway. We were unaware that my ex-girlfriend was simply driving her vehicle down the side of the house until we heard her crash through one of the garage doors downstairs. With her car still audibly running in the garage, we heard continued singing of “Temporary layoffs. Good Times.” getting closer to the door at the bottom of the stairs.
As we stood at the top of the enclosed steps going down to the finished basement I suggested to Sarah that we should just make a run for it out the front door. As I pondered and persuaded our fight or flight strategy, Sarah had already grabbed the fire extinguisher from the kitchen wall and stood next to me like Rambo -- aiming the nozzle of the extinguisher down the stairs. As my ex-girlfriend came through the downstairs door, still singing, “Ain't we lucky we got 'em” Sarah fires a beam of white smoke and yells, “DYNOMITE!!!”. This continued in several more iterations until I heard the police yell through the broken front door window, “Can we enter the home?!” “Hell yes!” I retorted.
After the police and tow truck left, Sarah and I just sat on the sofa not saying a word. She reached down and hit the play button on the DVD remote and we sat speechless, watching the end of “Love Actually”. It was actually a really good movie.
© Brian Webber 2009
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