Before any Church battles to officially recognize other types of marriages, they need a good debate on officially recognizing divorce -- especially where children are involved. Sometimes marriages, for whatever reason, just don't work. Many Churches do a really good job of getting couples into this mess, but they don’t do well at getting everyone out. Maybe have a ceremony, much like a Christening, or dare I say wedding, where the congregation is charged with understanding and support for the children of the Dissolved (I like that word…it just came out and sounded so official – the Dissolved).
When the children of a divorce attend a Church with one parent, inevitably, the displaced parent will show up at the door for something or another. The children get baptized, present performances, sing in a service, or in some way are recognized that it is not only appropriate, but incumbent for the other parent to attend.
Divorce will happen and most Churches do a very poor job of educating their members on how to deal with the dynamics of divorce. Churches do a fair job of attracting divorcees with support groups, but these are typically aimed at supporting one side in the grief process. Often, in the Church and these support groups, the divorcee feels pressured into justifying their “biblically based” divorce and ultimately demonizing their ex-spouse.
It would serve the entire Congregation to offer a seminar about dealing with divorce dynamics. Divorced co-parenting is still an enigma in most Churches. They seem to be more comfortable just choosing one side and vilifying the other. Remember, the children of the displaced parent are members of the Church also. There are two distinct dynamics at play; the ex and the children. If I were to teach such a seminar, I would include these three steps to avoid contempt prior to investigation:
1) At first sign of badmouthing, reply, “I look forward to meeting them.”
2) Upon further badmouthing, “Well, I will ask them about this if I do meet them.”
3) At incessant badmouthing, “You are speaking about the parent of one of our members and I would appreciate it if you took your issues to a therapist and not me.”
I attended my children’s performance at their Church. Upon arrival, I learned that this was to be a fellowship dinner culminating in their presentation. Most of my children ate with me on our own little side of the fellowship hall. “Mom says we shouldn’t ever get in the car with a stranger or with you without her permission!” One of my children blurted. I just looked back with some confusion and we all laughed like that was the funniest joke anyone ever made.
After dinner we all went into the sanctuary for their performance. The musical presentation opened with the premise that if we looked around us we could see God in the eyes of our fellow man. I, sitting by myself on the second pew, had to really crane to see the eyes of everyone else. If God’s face was to be seen, it was only a glimpse as all the glances dropped when I looked around the Sanctuary.
All the children in this Church, including those beautiful girls that look something like my mother, sang a song that went exactly like this:
When I’m where I belong God can use me,
When I’m where I belong I can’t fail.
There’s work to be done,
and I am the one,
and I’ll stay right where I belong,
right where I belong.
This song just hit home with me! No longer could I feel the sting of the glares of in-laws and judgmental stares of parishioners; Only the approval-seeking eyes of my children fixed upon mine -- I, on my own pew, smiling, nodding, and clapping like an overly-excited, outcast oaf. This may indeed be where my children belong, but until their work is done I must endure that cold breeze on my back.
If God was to be seen in the eyes of anyone in that Congregation, it was merely their own God that I caught a glimpse of. Their God seemed to believe He had not mixed the guest list well for this evening’s dinner party. I told Him how nice everything was as I exited, but I won’t be looking for another invitation. For now, I answer to a greater God -- the love in the eyes of my children. I am certain I will crash more of His soirées in the future.
© Brian Webber 2009
When the children of a divorce attend a Church with one parent, inevitably, the displaced parent will show up at the door for something or another. The children get baptized, present performances, sing in a service, or in some way are recognized that it is not only appropriate, but incumbent for the other parent to attend.
Divorce will happen and most Churches do a very poor job of educating their members on how to deal with the dynamics of divorce. Churches do a fair job of attracting divorcees with support groups, but these are typically aimed at supporting one side in the grief process. Often, in the Church and these support groups, the divorcee feels pressured into justifying their “biblically based” divorce and ultimately demonizing their ex-spouse.
It would serve the entire Congregation to offer a seminar about dealing with divorce dynamics. Divorced co-parenting is still an enigma in most Churches. They seem to be more comfortable just choosing one side and vilifying the other. Remember, the children of the displaced parent are members of the Church also. There are two distinct dynamics at play; the ex and the children. If I were to teach such a seminar, I would include these three steps to avoid contempt prior to investigation:
1) At first sign of badmouthing, reply, “I look forward to meeting them.”
2) Upon further badmouthing, “Well, I will ask them about this if I do meet them.”
3) At incessant badmouthing, “You are speaking about the parent of one of our members and I would appreciate it if you took your issues to a therapist and not me.”
I attended my children’s performance at their Church. Upon arrival, I learned that this was to be a fellowship dinner culminating in their presentation. Most of my children ate with me on our own little side of the fellowship hall. “Mom says we shouldn’t ever get in the car with a stranger or with you without her permission!” One of my children blurted. I just looked back with some confusion and we all laughed like that was the funniest joke anyone ever made.
After dinner we all went into the sanctuary for their performance. The musical presentation opened with the premise that if we looked around us we could see God in the eyes of our fellow man. I, sitting by myself on the second pew, had to really crane to see the eyes of everyone else. If God’s face was to be seen, it was only a glimpse as all the glances dropped when I looked around the Sanctuary.
All the children in this Church, including those beautiful girls that look something like my mother, sang a song that went exactly like this:
When I’m where I belong God can use me,
When I’m where I belong I can’t fail.
There’s work to be done,
and I am the one,
and I’ll stay right where I belong,
right where I belong.
This song just hit home with me! No longer could I feel the sting of the glares of in-laws and judgmental stares of parishioners; Only the approval-seeking eyes of my children fixed upon mine -- I, on my own pew, smiling, nodding, and clapping like an overly-excited, outcast oaf. This may indeed be where my children belong, but until their work is done I must endure that cold breeze on my back.
If God was to be seen in the eyes of anyone in that Congregation, it was merely their own God that I caught a glimpse of. Their God seemed to believe He had not mixed the guest list well for this evening’s dinner party. I told Him how nice everything was as I exited, but I won’t be looking for another invitation. For now, I answer to a greater God -- the love in the eyes of my children. I am certain I will crash more of His soirées in the future.
© Brian Webber 2009
I enjoy what you write and how you write it, Brian! I know, I know...I already told you that over on FaceBook, but I'm glad you decided to try blogging! :)
ReplyDeleteSo I've listed you as an inspiration, motivation, and encouragement in an "Honest Scrap" award. You write from the heart and from your own experience and I love reading you!
See Post: Honestly, Its All Scrap!
As a divorced Dad, I can relate to a lot of this. Thoughtful words. Churches don't know what to do with us, the 50%+ of the world that is divorced.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend Our Lady of Sorrows' Beginning Experience in Homewood. It's $25 and a support group for divorcees. Very good at helping the divorcee deal with these issues. I know you are referring more to the congregation itself, but you are going to have those people who are into gossiping, etc., and this helps the person deal with it.
ReplyDelete